What if, when someone said something, you believed them?
What if they said they didn’t care which restaurant you went to for dinner, and you chose based on what you wanted, instead of what you thought they secretly wanted?
What if, when somebody said they didn’t need help carrying their bundle, you didn’t help them? Would it make things harder for them, or easier? What about for you?
If you took someone at their word, would they feel heard, and respected for a moment?
Would they feel vulnerable, or scared?
Would they have the opportunity to directly ask for what they need?
Would it be a gesture of respect, telling them that you know they have the power to express their needs?
Would it mean that you were inconsiderate, or self-absorbed?
What if you did an experiment, and tested the waters of believing that they mean what they say? What might happen?
I’m loving this picture in accompaniment. I’m thinking about the way in which some contexts (giving a destination in a taxi) I am perfectly comfortable asking for and receiving exactly what I request. It’s part of the culture of that space. Whereas the culture of other spaces (relationships where I don’t feel confident of the terms of engagement) leads me to confusion about whether I can have (or take) what I ask for, or whether other offers are heartfelt or half-proffered.
Thanks for this thoughtful moment
I love this post because I wish more people would do this for me: believe me that I’ll express a need if I have one.
However, I live in the south, and it can be a very passive-aggressive culture. I am too often surprised by someone using an “anything is fine/whatever you think/up to you” sort of comment as a test. It’s easy to deal with professionally because I can email my choices and include a subtle reminder that the choice was left to me. Personally, however, it’s a stickier trap.
Jesse: So true! It seems to be very much an issue of culture (as Lynn also said in her comment), and of what’s socially acceptable in different situations. For me, it seems much more comfortable to request something that has a set exchange value, like a ride in a taxi. It also feels harder to ask for what I need and respect boundaries with people who I’m in more emotionally complex relationships with. For instance, it feels easier with a stranger than with a family member.
Lynn: SUCH a good point. I’ve never lived in the South, but Seattle (my hometown) does have a similar stereotype of a “passive-aggressive” culture. I’d imagine that’s even more pronounced in the South. And yes, personal choices and exchanged do seem much stickier, as you said, than professional ones. Perhaps partly because there’s more vulnerability there than at work where, to an extent, we generally present some sort of professional persona?
I know that when I’d thought about living like this in the past I wanted some guarantee that we’re all on the same page… some assurance that it will work/won’t ruin everything… So thankful to be older and wiser enough for a “what if” to be enough to take a leap! As I practice this radical brand of authenticity in my life I notice the people around me starting to follow suit–it’s awesome!
thank you for writing this. thank you for being vulnerable. i will trully and with out fear, celebrate myself one day. this is beautiful.