Ever since I participated in Rally, things have been different. Not different on the surface. Different deep, deep down. Different in the most subtle ways, so probably nobody but me would recognize it if I didn’t say something.
I feel more patient (though Mary might disagree with that; I’m not sure). Meetings that generally drag on and on are less drag-ey. I’m becoming more adept at giving myself comfort, and realizing, daily, how gosh-darned important it is to me (really, really important). I’m questioning the rules more frequently and with more gusto. I’m also realizing that most of the rules that hold me back actually don’t come from outside. They’re self-imposed.
An example. It’s hard for me to be sitting at a desk all day at work, and to then go home and sit some more while I write, edit photos, or coach my stupendous coaching clients on the phone. I thought I didn’t have a choice but to sit in the same position all day, without a stretch in sight. But. I’m realizing that nobody ever said I couldn’t stretch at work. Nobody ever told me I wasn’t allowed to look up from my computer long enough to get some blood flowing again. That was my own rule. I was the one assuming that the sky would fall or I’d get fired on the spot if I removed my hands from the keyboard. As a result, I’m challenging myself to do stretches every once in a while inside my cubicle. And guess what? I’m still employed. I’ve also been doing really good work in the past few weeks, in case you were wondering.
Here’s another. When I’m editing photos, I often tend to keep things really basic. I don’t apply too many artsy filters or do much editing. This is usually ideal, because my mission is to help people recognize their beauty, and my opinion is that people are most beautiful when they’re un-retouched. Sometimes, I’m pulled to go in more of an artsy direction. Yet I don’t always go down that route, because I’m afraid my clients won’t be pleased. I’m imposing rigid rules again, when the whole point of owning my own business is to forge my own path. So I remember this, and I include two versions of a photo: the straight one, and the artsy one. Quite often, clients like the artsy one best.
One last one. Before Rally, my back had started to hurt after I began doing a daily seated meditation. Even the aforementioned stretching wasn’t relieving my discomfort, which had begun to spread from my meditation sessions into the rest of my life. Then Larisa shared with me over tea that seated meditation just doesn’t feel good to some people. After that, I switched to lying down for meditation. That, combined with a healthy dose of rolling around on the floor and lots of walking, seemed to ease the discomfort. As Larisa said, no need to force myself to do seated meditation if it was going to deter me from meditation itself.
For me, challenging one self-imposed rule is like tipping over a domino. It knocks down the next rule, then the next, and then the next. And eventually, you’re living life according to the coolest set of rules ever: your own. Lovingly designed by none other than you.
Comments: I’m interested to know what (if any) self-imposed rules you’ve noticed in your life, and what effect they’ve had on you. And while we’re at it, I’m entirely open to learning ways to do seated meditation without back discomfort, if you happen to know things about that.
I’m also learning this lesson, mostly as it relates to being self-employed. I’m repeatedly realizing that I make up the rules. And it is SUCH an easy one to forget! I wonder why…
My back’s also been a messenger. I tells me when I need to put the breaks on, detach from what I’m doing, and go on “input/*being* mode” for a while if I’ve been forcing things too much. Ironically, I needed to do all that in order to figure out that that’s why I was having back pain.
Self-imposed rules. Ack. I recently walked away from my job and, now that I am totally free to do as I please, I find myself looking around for some rules like: When to get out of bed, what to do when I get out of bed, should I just let Universe point the direction today? or should I just wing it. I am floundering around in the land-of-the-suddenly-free. The issue becomes, now that I can make my own rules – to make at least some rules… I need to whack myself with the self-discipline stick and pick a path.
As far as the back hurting (strain?), have you tried sitting against something with a small pillow behind your lower back for lumbar support? I carry a lot of ‘issues’ in my lower back (inner child and self worth stuff usually) – the paradox is that sitting meditation helps but the strain on the back keeps me from sitting.
Oh oh oh. Kylie, I swear we are kindred spirits. I’ve been realizing a LOT of these self-imposed rules (“shoulds”) and how I’ve used them to hurt myself this year. Totally get what you mean by lying vs. sitting meditation, too. I only lay down for meditation for a good eight months. Then I went to a Buddhist monastery and discovered they do it because they sit on very squishy cushions that help keep your back straight. (Also, yoga helps. Originally the physical aspect of yoga was ONLY implemented so people could meditate longer in seated position.) Also, to sit in lotus rather than regular cross-legged, which cuts off your circulation. It still gets getting used to, but I find that with yoga, it’s a lot better. I can sit for quite a long time now actually.
But definitely the lotus/half-lotus + cushion. CUSHION is so worth it. Or you can just use a really, really squishy pillow that keeps its bounciness.
Self-imposed rules, ah. (I actually wanted to write a post about this, too, but it’s still churning and developing within me.)
This year I’ve let go of:
- thinking I had to eat raw vegan most of the time
- thinking I had to eat a certain way at all
- thinking I have to be happy all the time, otherwise I’m failing at: being a leader, role model, helper/failing at life (this was a very, very pernicious one!)
… Yeah. Those were the most destructive. REALLY destructive, you can imagine…
I can’t tell you how long it took me to come to the same realization about work! I, too, still have a job despite getting up from my computer every 30 minutes to take a one minute walk around the office
It really is astounding how many of our boundaries are self-inflicted.
@Pamela, I agree with everything you said! In my case, it’s retirement. I did find that going to the library three blocks away to get computer access is more useful than expected, since it forces a daily out-of-the-house requirement. Now, to make it a set time of day (as an experiment)….
@Kylie, the squishy pillow mentioned by @sui solitaire is probably like the fat (10-inch?) cushions at the Playground. The first day at Rally, just lounging around, my back and neck got really sore. The rest of the week I used a fat cushion and sat against the wall; it worked so much better and was actually comfortable. Legs can be bent but this position is not hard on the ankles. I liked those cushions so much I bought one and shipped it home. I plan on setting it up in my living room, in front of the couch, which can serve as the back rest when needed.
Some of the cool results I am continuing to observe from Rally:
>> Wear costumes in scary situations. (Whatever one chooses can be part of the costume.) So for a meeting about taxes [eek!) with a legal tax services firm [eek!) in a hard-to-get-to downtown (Baltimore) location, I decided that two particular rings, and a pin on my jacket, would be costumery, therefore the meeting would be a lot more fun. It really did help. Plus, I decided to talk about one of my monsters with the legal guy (didn’t use the term monster, but I still talked about the fears). His reaction (chuckling and appreciative) is part of what got him the job. And I am so much less scared, I’m actually working on the preparatory paperwork instead of avoiding it.
Dear Kylie-
This post really spoke to me deep down! After reading it, I spent a good two hours really looking at the rules I’d been making for myself this past year. I was so inspired by what you’d written, I actually talked it through in my own blog post! Hope you don’t mind my piggy-backing on your excellent question.
Amy: Oh boy. Self-employment seems to be a common place where we balk at the lack of rules imposed from outside. Fascinating that your back both acts as a messenger and a receiver of messages. Mine definitely works that way, too.
Pamela: My personal mission is to avoid being whacked with sticks at all costs, whether somebody else is doing the whacking or I am. It’s harder than you might thing to carry through. I’m definitely going to try sitting against something + lower back support. Thanks for the tip!
Sui: I currently sit on blankets, with a pillow acting as a cushion. Perhaps I’ll see if there are other seated positions that feel more comfy — thank you! I find that food (like work) is one of those areas where our culture tends to impose a lot of rules. It’s an interesting path to go from following outside rules, to following your own rules, to (maybe someday) barely having any rules at all. Seems to me there’s the potential for lots of freedom there.
Alexis: Good to hear, friend. You’ve given me an idea for rainy days when I don’t feel like going outside for a walk. I could easily do a big loop around the office, as our office is huge.
Sue: Costumes in scary situations! That’s one of those things that I remember I can do, but I often forget. I enjoy the idea of outlandish costumes when I’m at home, and secret, sneaky costumes (like brightly colored undies!) for when I’m out and about. I’m really glad to hear the costumery helped you to tackle the legal stuff, and that you even got to share a laugh with the legal guy about it.
Adriana: I loved hearing about your rules! It’s interesting the way work styles can progress. I’m glad you’re learning what works for you, and also that you’re adding some flow and fun and permission to your stupendously exciting career.
Shoulding on ourselves (Fritz Perls coined that) – sometimes so subtle – love this and it’s got me thinking! Thanks, Kylie!