Most of my life, I internalized an often unspoken message: introversion and sensitivity were bad. I was to ignore these qualities in myself and deny them, because they weren’t helpful or good and wouldn’t get me anywhere in life.
(A note: No, no one ever actually said most of that mean stuff to me. But it’s the lesson that my child’s mind learned and that I then integrated into my understanding of the world as an adult.)
Over the past several years, as I’ve started reading personal development blogs and books, become a coach, coached lots of brilliant sensitives and introverts, and done copious amounts of self-work, my relationship to my sensitivity and introversion has changed. I now make concerted efforts to honor my introverted nature, and to create a soft space for my sensitive nervous system to land. I certainly don’t always succeed, but I try to be kind to these aspects of myself, while trying, also, to be good to the people around me.
I sometimes wonder, though: do I sometimes use my introversion as a copout to exempt me from scary experiences that I actually should be pushing myself to participate in? Am I throwing up my sensitivity as an excuse, to shield me from the world’s pain, which I’d rather ignore than face?
The answer is, I think, that there’s no definitive answer. Which is why I find these questions all the more worth asking.
Even though I’m perfectly fine with not having answers to these questions, the fact that they’ve arisen tells me that it’s useful for me to be especially mindful of these special qualities of mine, and to be considerate of how I interact with them. These are some of the main ways in which I bring mindful attention to my sensitivity and introversion.
Looking Forward in My Schedule
I like to consider the things I have planned in my week. If I have several deadlines and a big event at work, then no, I’m not going to spend my whole weekend at festivals and dinner parties and meet-and-greets. However, if it’s the end of the week, and I have nothing planned for the next few days but rest, I might push myself (gently) to get to a party that I’m feeling ambivalent about.
Taking My Values into Consideration
I have a general idea of what my values are, and when I’m unsure about whether I want to expend time and energy on something, I try to think about how it meshes with my values. As much as possible, I try to attend events that are important to my partner, family, and very close friends. If I have energy left over, then I expend it on things like parties of acquaintances or friends of friends. I also try to keep commitments as much as I can. If I agreed to attend an event several months ago, that generally remains a higher priority than last-minute invitations.
Those guidelines help me with the logistics of scheduling with my sensitive nervous system and need for alone time. But what about knowing when I’m using my sensitivity or introversion as copouts?
This is where emotions and gut-checks come in handy. If something sounds scary but piques my interest, it might be worth the energy to go. If something sounds scary and also like it will put me in a bad mood after having done it, that’s probably an event I’ll try to skip if I can. Actually, imagining how I’ll feel post-event is a really handy trick. I might, for instance, posit the following self-inquiry:
. . .
Question: “I’m way tired, but I have my monthly meeting with my fellow entrepreneurial buddies to attend. How will I feel afterward?”
Answer: “Afterward, I’ll feel a strong sense of community. I’ll feel understood. I’ll come away with several really great ideas. I’ll feel all warm and fuzzy at having gotten to spend a few hours with some favorite people.”
Conclusion: I’m totally going.
. . .
Another question: “I’ve been working nonstop and have two big events coming up next week for which I need to have plenty of energy. There’s a summer festival this weekend that some friends asked me to attend. How will I feel afterward?”
Answer: “Afterward, I’ll feel annoyed at the crowds, and my nervous system will be ratcheted up due to too much heat, too much noise, and too much other stimulus. I’ll feel resentful at myself for going, and I’ll be depleted going into this next week.”
Conclusion: I’m gently bowing out this time, and will make a special attempt to see these friends soon in a less-stimulating environment.
. . .
And that’s how I do it. It’s imprecise, and it’s imperfect. There are times when I let people down because I don’t have the energy to do something. That’s hard, both for me and for them. There are times when I stay home to rest, only to find that I feel lonely and can’t sleep even though I’m pooped. This happens.
Getting to know yourself takes practice, and trial and error. But you have a lifetime to do it, so there needn’t be any hurry.
I like this. I’ve definitely used my “I’m an introvert!” (ha, which I am not entirely sure I really am) as an excuse to avoid things that, in retrospect, were worth working through things enough to go because they would have created connection, which I do value. I want to be more conscious of this now. It does remind me of pushing myself to attend networking things though, but then, one night, I had an epiphany about connection and needing much more connection time than I was getting, I immediately signed up for a networking thing because I realized it was just the thing that could help! It was a good reminder that knowing what was important was really useful in helping me do things.
Such beautiful advice — thank you!
This is so true. I’ve often struggled with finding a balance between pushing myself out there and expanding my horizons and staying home and honoring my peaceful, reclusive side. I’m definitely going to try your trick of asking myself how I’ll feel afterwards.
Elizabeth: That’s a great example! It’s so funny that, usually, networking wouldn’t be something that appeals to you (or me). But if you can be aware of the fact that as a human (even a possibly-introverted human), connection is one of your needs, then you suddenly have the self-awareness to meet that need, even if it seems out of character for you. That’s super cool.
Anna: You are so welcome, of course!
Adriana: It really is about balance, huh? And being okay with getting it wrong and not having that “perfect” balance. And knowing the tricks that help you to figure it all out.
There are times when I let people down because I don’t have the energy to do something. That’s hard, both for me and for them
I quite relate to this.
As an introvert, working in an incredibly social job (which, don’t get me wrong, I love), I rarely have the energy, grace or desire to do anything but knit and sit silently with my manfriend after work. On weekends, I have to do more balancing.
I like this approach a lot: Actually, imagining how I’ll feel post-event is a really handy trick. I will really have to try it out next time I hesitate to go out in the world.
I have to say, your blog often gives me a new perspective on my work stewarding the social/emotional selves of my students. Talking with them about how to make social choices, when to listen to themselves about what they need, how to take care of themselves., etc.
This post is so pertinent Kylie. I have some old messaging around introversion and self-care – and I think one thing that keeps surprising me is my deep needs for community and connection. Keeping an (imperfect) balance has been on my mind a lot lately. With teaching, my calendar is much more full than I’m accustomed to it being (and I am not always so good at looking ahead!) It helps to understand that I have to be well cared for in order to teach well – I feel like this shouldn’t make my self-care “MORE” important than it would be otherwise; but I admit that the direct link between my mental state and my students experience makes it harder to ignore!! I love your tip about checking in. How will I feel? Depleted or energized?
Louise: I think it’s always good to hear (for me and other readers) that others need to just come home and be quiet. It means a lot to have that reinforcement in a world that doesn’t always speak to our needs. I’m really glad to hear that this check-in tidbit might be helpful for you, and that this stuff feels helpful with your students. I can’t imagine how different the world would be if all teachers were as thoughtful about teaching these social and self-care tools.
Mel: That’s what I keep hearing here — that even though many of us are introverts, we really need connection. In fact, I’d venture a guess that we might be even more in need of connection than extroverts, because we need deep, meaningful connection, which can be harder to obtain than surface-level interaction. And yes, caring for your introverted self is so important for teaching, and for other “helping” professions. That’s why therapists have regular supervision with other therapists, and mentors, and their own therapists! The best care professionals do a lot of work to care for themselves.
This is so helpful, Kylie. And timely. I’ve been way overstimulated lately and finding it a challenge to accept my need to recoup. Having someone else hold a mirror up to my introversion/sensitivity helps me feel so much more normal.
That’s something I’m actually struggling with. I’m going to a friend’s wedding this weekend, and one part of me is looking forward to connecting a group of people I haven’t seen in years, I’m worried that I’ll be in one of my introverted ebbs.
Hi Kylie, just stopping by to visit again as I’m gearing up for a super social weekend. I’ve realized since reading this that I often imagine how I’ll feel afterward (usually great, if a little drained) when I’m committing to a social engagement, but only when I am actually getting ready to go do I get overwhelmed in anticipation. I am trying to be more conscious of this earlier so that I can help myself prepare thoughtfully instead of having a melt down 20 minutes before I need to be somewhere. Anyhow, this is me preparing and giving myself time to get over the freakout in advance.
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Hi Kylie, and thank you for this post. I’m very sensitive and introverted, which I’m still recognizing and learning to honor. This question of using my sensitivity as a copout is something I’ve been thinking about a lot, and I love your investigatory approach. Thinking about how I’ll feel afterward is definitely a strategy I can take advantage of. I’m also looking forward to a weekend of Nothing, your blog was just the nudge I needed!