You don’t need to have a reason.
You don’t have to tell anyone why.
If somebody else thinks you need to give them an explanation, that’s their stuff.
You choosing whether to proffer it? Your stuff. Your business.
It’s your choice, whether you explain or whether you don’t. Neither is right.
Just know that you don’t have to tell anybody anything.
Not if you don’t want to.
Maybe . . .
Maybe. Quite possibly. Let’s be honest: probably.
Nobody wants to say mean things to themselves. It hurts.
But it happens, especially for folks who struggle with self-esteem.
In fact, negative self-talk is so insidious that you might not even be aware of how much it happens, unwittingly, inside your mind. Instead, it might be a subconscious loop of negativity that plays endlessly just for you to hear (how lovely,eh?). And because you don’t realize that it’s there, there’s no way for you to guard yourself against its attacks. You end up getting beaten up on a daily basis by an invisible bully who’s taken up residence in your mind. Oy.
The thing that’s really counterintuitive, and that you really need to know, is the the reason your inner critic is there in the first place is to guard you against threats. It’s one of our many internal self-protection mechanisms, and it functions by trying to prevent us from doing things that it perceives will harm us.
A lot of the time, this means the inner critic is trying to beat us into shape before someone else (or something else) has the chance.
The problem with this is that, in the process of trying to protect us, our critical voices actually hurt us more. So our goal when dealing with them is not to kill them or force them to go away before they’re ready.
Our job is to figure out how to achieve their goals in a more self-supportive way, therefore rendering them useless.
Then, they can dissolve on their own with very little struggle.
So how do we do this?
1. First, we recognize that the critical voices are there, and we find out what they’re saying. (It’s very helpful to do this on paper, instead of in our head.)
2. Next, we find out what purpose they’re serving. Here are just a few possibilities:
You’ll want to think of any possible purpose, at all, that these negative voices could be serving, and write them down. It’s possible that some of these purposes will sound downright ridiculous to you. But negative self-talk isn’t logical. Write down anything that comes to mind, no matter how seemingly absurd.
3. This next step is, in my opinion, the most challenging. We want to find a way to meet the purpose/need we just identified in a way that renders the critical voice useless. Here are some examples of how we might do this, based on the purposes identified above:
Then, we continue to do this on a regular basis. We recognize the voices, discover their purpose, and meet the need in order to render the voices useless.
Critical self-talk does not disappear overnight. However, just like about 50% of the other stuff we humans do, negative self-talk is a habit. And every single time we bring awareness to a habit, or engage with it in a different way, we loosen its grip on us.
If you begin to engage with your critical voices in this way, you’ll transform the way you interact with them, and with yourself.
I’m an enormously huge fan of coaching. Clearly, because why else would I have become a coach? I’m also a giant fan of therapy. (Oh therapy, how I love thee.)
I would never have made friends with myself to the extent that I have if it weren’t for coaching and therapy. I don’t know where I’d be without them, but I wouldn’t be here.
In our society, those are the usual places we go when we want answers: therapy or coaching. Or books. (Or denial. But I think we can all agree that’s a less-than-helpful destination.)
But there’s another place to go, somewhere we don’t reference nearly as often.
This place is the real source of insight. This place is a direct line between where you are and where you want to be. Therapy and coaching are invaluable translation services for the insights you’ll find here.
But sometimes, the answers here can be accessed without outside help. Just you.
This place, this fountain of insight, is, of course, within you.
There is so much smartness inside your brain and body. It’s hard to realize that, however, unless you go within.
There are many ways to plumb your own depths for the insight you’re seeking. Meditation. Yoga. Dreams. Daydreams.
The written word is a powerful one to start with. When we’re thinking, thoughts move so rapidly that we can talk ourselves out of insights before they have a chance to land. But when we write? When we write, the truth can spill out before we have the chance to stopper it up.
When diving for internal insights, one of the best tools you can have is a good question. A good question will unleash the truths you hoped to, but never thought you would, find.
Below are 26 questions to ask yourself when you want a good, solid dose of pure insight.
Get yourself a pen and paper. And start scribbling.
How do I feel, physically, when I think about this situation?
What would {person you admire most} say to do here?
If there’s a lesson I’m supposed to learn here, what is it? (Only ask this if it doesn’t make you want to throw up.)
What lies am I telling myself about this?
What don’t I want to see?
What does this situation remind me of?
What does my wisest self have to say on this subject?
What needs to be said?
What sucks about this? (Full permission to complain.)
What advice would my five-year-old self give me right now?
What advice would my ninety-year-old self give me right now?
What beliefs am I letting go unquestioned?
What am I bursting at the seams to say?
What am I overlooking?
If this issue was a physical object, what would it be? What would its texture be like? Its size? Its shape? Its energy?
What’s the most outrageous way for this to unfold?
If I were telling this situation back to myself as a story, how would that story go?
If I decided to go off the beaten path here, what would that look like?
Why?
Why not?
How could I break my internal rules right now?
How could I break external rules right now?
What am I yearning for?
What object near me draws my attention? And what does it have to tell me about this issue?
If I had a genie to grant me one wish, what would I wish for here?
What am I thinking is wrong that’s actually totally right?
With this list, I wish you insights galore. And the experience of discovering your own shimmering genius.
This is my home.
As such, I’m in charge of its upkeep.
Its weekly toenail and fingernail clippings,
its fresh coats of paint.
It’s my duty and honor to make it a home, not simply a house.
I dust the cobwebs from the corners,
I clear out the rooms with smoking sage.
I only invite in visitors I trust, and who respect my space.
Sometimes, I throw parties here. Then, I break out the streamers, the bubbly, the prettiest linens.
We have fun here.
The next day, I take time to clean up and transition my home from party mode to daily life mode.
When something breaks in my home, I fix it.
When I can’t make the repair myself, I call in a specialist.
I’ve carefully selected them over the years, because I only trust the most kind and talented people with my precious space.
Sometimes, they show me how to fix things myself, for the future.
I’m always learning how to be a better homeowner, how to keep things running smoothly.
I love my home just as it is. Some people think their homes are too small or too large, and are always in the middle of renovation projects.
I understand what that’s like.
But I’d rather make the best of the home I have, buy it flowers from time to time, and relax in it, even when it’s looking plain.
That’s how I choose to make my life here.
It’s a life that’s full of family and friends, loud gatherings and quiet moments of solitude.
My home never looks picture-perfect, and that’s the way I like it.
It’s lived-in and populated with imperfect presence.
It’s tear-streaked. It tells my story.
This is my home.
We know the mainstream media doesn’t do us any favors when it comes to how we feel about ourselves. Especially in regard to the way we look. But besides sequestering ourselves indoors and never listening to the radio, watching TV, or reading anything, what can we do about it?
We can develop critical media awareness. We can know what’s going on when we consume media and, instead of automatically internalizing its messages, make a choice about whether we’d like to integrate those messages into our lives.
Today I’m sharing a series of questions that serve as a set of filters. Whenever you see an ad, article, or piece of entertainment that causes you to feel poorly about yourself, you can run it through these questions, which will help you to look at it objectively and critically.
Here we go…
When you start to compare yourself to someone you see on television or a magazine, ask: Is it this person’s full-time job to conform to mainstream ideals of beauty?
Most of the people we see represented in the media have the full-time job of maintaining an appearance that conforms to the mainstream ideals of their culture, ideals that are unrealistic for the vast majority of people. This means that these people must maintain their appearance in order to pay their rent. It also means that they might exercise several hours per day. With a dedicated personal trainer. They might also eat in a very specific way and perhaps have their own chef cooking specialized meals for them. In addition, they’re in this business in part because they happened to be genetically predisposed to fit today’s beauty ideals, which are decided by our culture, not reality.
In addition, these people have aestheticians that help them look the way they do. Their appearance upkeep might include plastic surgery, chemical peels, Botox, liposuction, tanning and body contouring, makeup artistry, hair styling, eyelash extension (yes, that’s actually a thing), and wardrobe styling. They most likely also have specially designed lighting and high-quality lenses trained on them if you’re seeing them on screen or in print.
To say the least, most of the people you see in the media aren’t in their natural state, by any stretch of the imagination. It’s entirely unfair, and actually, absurd, to expect yourself to look like them.
When you start to feel down while reading an article or watching a movie, ask: Does this piece of media make me feel good about myself?
If an article you’re reading makes you feel like an inferior human being, you have the right to stop. If watching a particular commercial leaves you feeling ugly, you can change the channel. It doesn’t matter why you feel badly. If you do, you always have the choice to remove that piece of media from your life.
Whenever you’re consuming any form of media, ask: Are they trying to sell me something?
Many companies, especially those that sell beauty products, manufacture problems for us to feel badly about so that they can “solve” them. If a company is trying to sell you something, they’re thinking, first and foremost, about making a profit. Not about you and your welfare. To them, you’re one consumer among millions. You’re not required to buy anything from them or even listen to what they have to say.
When a piece of media just isn’t sitting right with you, ask: Does this message match my own system of values?
What is important in your life? Friends? Family? Leaving a legacy of charitable giving? Kindness? Whatever your values are, you can pay attention to media that support those values, and leave the rest. You live in a culture that values appearance and wealth, youth and whiteness. That doesn’t mean you have to value those things. Feel free to dismiss anything that doesn’t support what you, yourself, value.
. . .
These are just some of the questions you can ask to filter your media through a critical lens. The main thing to remember is that you have a choice about the messages you integrate into your life. You always have a choice.
Comments: This is a space for playful exploration. We each take responsibility for our own experience, and we allow other people to have their experience. We refrain from giving advice, and we contribute with kindness and care.
It’s fluid.
It’s available to everyone, whether they have the vocabulary to talk about it or not.
What it looks like for you can change over time.
Even when it seems very far away, it’s within you.
There are certain situations that make it easier to access. Like fertilizer, they nurture hearty self-esteem.
Even people who don’t grow up in those fertilized situations can develop it.
It can survive very, very traumatic events.
For some people it’s easy. For some, it’s hard. For some, it’s easy until one day when it’s hard. For some, it’s hard until one day it’s easy.
It doesn’t have to take a long time to develop. It can be adopted in a moment, or with a gesture.
It doesn’t put you higher than anyone, or lower than anyone. There’s no hierarchy of self-esteem.
There are many pieces to its puzzle. The puzzle is always complete, and the puzzle is also never complete.
It varies in quality, strength, texture, intensity, temperature. Getting to know these variations can be useful.
It can be approached and augmented from an infinite number of angles, with an infinite number of tools.
Every moment is an opportunity to develop it, if you want it to be.
Doing things you like helps it to flourish, but this is sometimes hard to remember.
If it feels bad, it’s not self-esteem. It’s something else.
Self-care is one of the best ways to nourish it.
It influences the way you do everything, and how you think, and what you believe.
Outside sources can lead you closer to it.
But eventually, you always find out that it originates within, and it emanates from within.
It is unending. It is infinite.
I’m realizing that, in the hustle and bustle of December, I didn’t make it quite as clear as I wanted to that, yes, the next Day of Nothing is happening on January 19th, and that, yes, you are so totally invited to join us.
You’re invited to join us if you need a break after the blur of the holidays.
You’re invited to join us if you want to explore non-doing in an ultra-supportive environment.
You’re invited to join us if you have lots of space in your life already.
You’re invited to join us if you’re desperately afraid of loosening your grip on your tightly-packed schedule.
You’re invited to join us if you like relaxing — whatever that means for you.
You’re invited to join us if you like having soothing words read aloud to you.
You’re invited to join us if you’re even the slightest bit curious about what on Earth I’m talking about when I talk about doing nothing.
You’re invited to join us if you’re ready to be present, for a moment or an hour or 24 hours.
. . .
I would love for you to join us. In order to do so, you’ll need to sign up by Tuesday, January 15th. Find out alllll the details and join us here.
I wanted to offer something special for the holidays, because I love the holidays. Not everything about them, sure, but lots of things. I love the sparkle and the festivities and the food and the possibility of snow (where I happen to live). I love finding or making the perfect card for the perfect person. I love candles, and the smell of pine.
So I’m offering Snowflake Sessions! Inspired by Bridget Pilloud’s Intuitive Cupcakes, Snowflake Sessions are 45-minute one-on-one coaching sessions that bring you insight and clarity on a unique topic of your choice, whether that topic relates to life or business. They’re only available between now and December 21st.
You can give them as gifts to friends and family, yourself, or both. Or if you’d like to be the recipient of a Snowflake Session, you can forward this post on so a friend can gift you with one. When you make your purchase, I email you a pretty PDF document for each Snowflake Session purchased that you can print out to give as a gift.
What a Snowflake Session looks like:
✵ You describe your issue to me, and I ask you thoughtful questions to help us both fully understand what’s going on. If your topic is a big one, we’ll select a small element of it and get clarity around that during the session.
✵ I help you to identify a tangible shift you’d like to experience as a result of our session.
✵ I guide you toward that shift, and you complete the session with greater clarity around the issue and at least one “homework” action that will help you to implement change after the session.
How to purchase your Snowflake Sessions:
One Snowflake Session costs $45: Purchase one Snowflake Session!
Two Snowflake Sessions cost $80 (saves you $10): Purchase two Snowflake Sessions!
Four Snowflake Sessions cost $160 (saves you $20): Purchase four Snowflake Sessions!
There are 20 Snowflake Sessions available this year. They can be purchased from now until December 21st, 2012, and they can be redeemed at any point before December 1st, 2013. All Snowflake Sessions will be conducted by either telephone or Skype.
. . .
What people say about my uber-compassionate coaching sessions:
“An ally that gently, consistently reinforces that our best guidance comes from within is invaluable. Kylie does this with skill and steady support. Her gentle, compassionate approach has taken me further in the last eight months than I could have anticipated or imagined.” – @allthatmel
“Kylie is one of the most intuitive people I have ever met. An incredible listener, Kylie has the gift of seeing into the soul of everyone she encounters and offers wisdom without judgement.” – @missmmccarthy
“Kylie has an incredible ability to create safe and nurturing spaces around her, whether you’re in the same room or talking on the phone from 1000 miles away.” – @adrianawillsie
“Thank you so much for your divine, delicious, gentle guidance – perfectly placed questions and sprinkling of magic. After months of procrastination I moved quickly and have a whole set of merchandise ready to sell within two weeks!” – @clarewildwoman
For more sparkly feedback on coaching with me, look here.
This is not an inspiring story.
It’s summer, which means it’s hot. I hate hot. I shouldn’t hate hot. Who hates summer?
I’ve made it to the car, which would mean relief, because soon the ice cream will be in my mouth and nothing else will matter. But it’s hot, which means I’m sweating. And that means I feel even more of the bunching of my skirt, the clinging of my polyester shirt to my bra, the bulging of my skin, the stomach I hate so much I’d like to cut it off and throw it right out the window. Even though that would hurt. And would also be bloody.
The hate and self-disgust is taking me over, burying me in its heat, and I want to make it go away. It doesn’t matter how painful it is to make it go away, or what promises I’ve made to myself that I’ll be breaking. I know only that I’m drowning in this excruciating hatred of myself.
Which clinches it. The windows can stay shut, I can suffocate in the heat of the car, and it doesn’t matter that I don’t have a spoon. I cup the three fingers of my right hand, scooping out the softening ice cream near the outside of the container. My fingers find their way into my mouth, and all is sweet and good and okay for half a second and that’s all that matters because if I can disappear into the cold and the sweet for a moment, maybe I won’t have to live any longer.
I’m still awake and alive, though, which means already the voices of rage and remorse are striking. I am not deterred, and I scoop my fingers again into the tub of ice cream. Back to my mouth. And again. Again.
It doesn’t matter that I don’t know or care what flavor it is I’m eating, or that someone might see me. It doesn’t matter that I’ll have to hide the evidence later, or that I’m not hungry, or that my fingers are now so cold that they’re aching. All that matters is that, for a moment, I can forget my loneliness, my longing, and my fear of gaining even more weight.
I don’t want to eat this ice cream. I don’t want to be sweating inside this hotbox of a car. I don’t want to feel the empty ache of my alone-ness. And so I continue to shovel the ice cream into myself, even though it hurts in so many ways, because the half-second of oblivion is worth it.
Like I said, this is not an inspiring story. This is a realistic story.
Now, it’s ten years later. Maybe not even that many. Maybe eight. Sometimes I feel lonely. When I do, I notice it, and I focus on feeling the loneliness. When I write that, it sounds simple and easy, but it’s not. It’s a challenge, because my instinct, even after years of working on it, is to eat something to distract me from what’s wrong before I even know something is wrong.
Despite my instinct, which leads me to the cupboard like a sleepwalker, I can’t remember the last time I binged on food (or anything, for that matter). I don’t know when the last time was that I ran toward that cliff and into oblivion. It took a lot of years, but I’ve become functional, and mostly happy. Not just that, but I know more is possible for me. If I didn’t, I never would have gone full-time with coaching and photography.
I’m not telling this story to escape from the shame I feel about living that moment, and countless others like it.
I’m not telling this story to brag about the fact that I escaped.
I’m not telling this story to convince you that working with me will take you from hopeless to footloose and fancy-free in three months.
I’m telling this story because at that moment, in that hot-as-hell car, I didn’t think there was hope for somebody “like me.” Now I know there is, because I’m here.
Here, where life is infinitely more hopeful.
This is the tiredest of cliches, but if I can do it, you can do it. I won’t say it’ll be fast or easy (and it definitely won’t be linear), but you can do it, whatever “it” is.
This is not an inspiring story. This is a realistic story. And sometimes, there’s a lot of hope in realistic.
. . .
Comments: I’m welcoming warmth and compassion today, and your own stories of triumph, regardless of whether your road is short or long, and regardless of where you are on it.