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Monthly Archives: June 2011

monica mccarthy, the LIFEstylista

Written on June 27, 2011 by in uncategorized

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of photographing Monica McCarthy, LIFEstylista. She was preparing for the launch of a brand new website, and she needed photos for the new venture. Afterward, she was kind enough to take some time out from LIFEstyling to answer a few questions.

. . .

K: What do you do, and where can people find you?

M: I help busy creatives and entrepreneurs create a day-to-day lifestyle they love. People can find me on my website/blog at MonicaMcCarthy.net, on Twitter at MissMMcCarthy, or Facebook. Or running with my dog in Central Park!

K: How did you come up with the term LIFEstyling? Whatever does it mean?

M: Prior to being a LIFEstylist, I was a holistic health coach. I loved helping people feel their best, but I discovered I was just as interested in helping them accomplish their non-health goals like career, bucket list, etc. I also noticed that I really enjoyed writing about life changes on my blog — and that’s when readers started actively participating and responding. The way I personally approach LIFEstyling is combining Nourishment (what we feed our mind, body, and soul) with Adventures (or what I like to call Life Experiments). Creatives and entrepreneurs are generally a really hard-working bunch, but we often forget to create a life that supports our passions instead of draining them.

K: What’s the most important thing you’ve learned about yourself in recent history?

M: Oh, this is an easy one because it’s been coming up over and over for me: The importance of making CHOICES. These are very different from decisions. Eventually everything in our lives comes down to the choices we make. Which is awesome and super scary at the same time!

K: How has LIFEstyling impacted your own journey — how you see yourself and offer your skills to the world?

M: Wow — there’s so much to this question! I’ll start by saying, I’m really learning to walk the walk. For example, travel has always been a big priority for me, but until I realized I’d have to change my lifestyle (like quit acting, move to an apartment with cheaper rent, etc.), I didn’t make it happen. Now I’m ready to turn my big, crazy dreams into reality! The other part of that question is more difficult to answer because I’m still carving out my niche. What I do know is that I am a huge believer in the idea that everyone can have a life greater than they’ve ever imagined, and I’m incredibly grateful that people trust me to help them do just that!

K: Alright, one last one, in fill-in-the-blank form: I feel effervescent when…

M: …I’m surrounded by people I love, in a place I love, doing things I love.

Many thanks to Monica for kindly sharing her words, and her stunning self, today. Hop over to her blog for updates on her world traveling, LIFEstyling expertise, and her brand new Happy Workaholic Handbook.

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we’re doing the best we can

Written on June 21, 2011 by in on liking yourself

Last week, I ran through a flash rainstorm from the subway stop to my dentist’s office. After wiping water from my cheeks, nose and forehead, I checked in at the front desk, and I waited. I was there to have the very first cavities of my life filled.

When the dentist had casually told me a few weeks earlier that I had cavities, I felt a lightning-quick spasm of terror through all my appendages. I naively asked, “So, what exactly does that mean? What is a cavity?” To myself, I wondered, “How can he be so calm and matter-of-fact about this? I’ve failed myself. My previously sparkling, pure mouth will now forever be tainted with the evidence of my failure as a human: cavities.”

I could easily have cried about this news, but I resisted, thankfully. I’m pretty sure my dentist picked up on how horrified I was, but at least he didn’t witness me falling apart about it.

I’d always heard that whether or not you get cavities is more of a matter of your personal brand of tooth enamel than of how you care for your teeth. And yet, still, I was proud to say that I’d never had one. It made me somehow closer to perfect. Even if it didn’t prove that I was doing things right, at least it didn’t prove I was doing things wrong.

But now I had cavities. And as if to prove that this was my fault, I hadn’t been to the dentist in seven years. There were a lot of circumstances that had conspired to make this so, some more within my control than others: lack of dental coverage, stress about medical bills, depression, fear of going to a dentist who would maim me, and other things, too. The reasons don’t matter. But my lack of dentist visits was, I knew, my fault, and the cavities were my punishment: permanent, irreversible evidence of my failure at managing the business of being alive.

Luckily, because I’m becoming slightly more aware of my internal processes, I had an inkling that this uber-negative thinking wasn’t necessarily true, even if it felt like it was. I mustered up as much self-compassion as I could, and I reminded myself:

I was doing the best I could.

All those years I didn’t go to the dentist, I was working hard to hold my life together, sometimes by a thread. I was doing what I thought I needed to in order to get through each day. I was trying to protect myself from medical costs I couldn’t (or didn’t think I could) afford. I was truly doing my best, even if my best meant that I didn’t care for my own health as I’d like to.

This is what I try to remind myself, when I begin to criticize myself or criticize other people: I’m doing the best I can. They’re doing the best they can. (Which is not to say I succeed in stopping my pattern of criticism. I still catch myself criticizing others. And myself. Often. Attempting this is more important to me than succeeding.)

When I feel forgotten by somebody, I remember that they’re juggling life, too. And doing the best they can at it.

When I hear couples speaking to one another in a tone that makes me cringe, I remember they’re doing what they can, with the tools they have, and their tools are different than mine.

When someone responds to me differently than I’d respond in the same situation, I remember that they’re working within the confines of their own life and the rules they’ve learned. They’re doing their best.

This doesn’t mean I don’t still grumble at people on the subway and sometimes nestle into my apartment and avoid people all day on a Saturday. Or that I don’t sigh with annoyance at myself. But the reminder that we’re all doing our best introduces at least a smidgen of tenderness for others and for myself. It melts the hardness of my heart at least a bit.

. . .

In the end, last week’s dentist visit was routine, even mundane. It took only about half an hour in total. The shot of novicane that numbed my gum hurt less than an acupuncture needle. And after nearly eight years of living in New York, I have a dentist who does good work and whom I trust. Plus, I’m walking around with the knowledge that I’m taking care of my dental health, and when I return to the dentist for a cleaning in six months, I’ll still feel like that.

As always, I’m doing the best I can. And right now, the best I can do includes a few fillings in my mouth.

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friday fizz, the eighth

Written on June 17, 2011 by in uncategorized

Elizabeth does this wonderful sort of post where she talks about what’s going on in her world, and invites us to share with her. So I wanted to make this Friday Fizz a version of that. Here goes.

. . .

All week, I’ve been nervously checking for updates on the marriage equality bill that got to the New York State Senate this week. Yep. Nervous.

Last night, Mary and I went to dinner at our favorite restaurant, and we ate this arugula salad with the most delicious vinaigrette my taste buds had ever encountered. Do you ever have moments where you debate in your head about whether or not it would be weird to ask for a recipe, because you’re afraid they’ll think you won’t come back to the restaurant, but you totally would, you just want to be able to eat this delicious vinaigrette morning, noon and night in your own home? I do.

I’ve been working on redesigning this website. (It’s true! Totally different layout coming soon; eek!) I usually don’t think about the way people organize a sidebar, or the number of pixels of padding between images. But now I’m noticing it all over the place now, and I love the intentionality of it. I find it pretty wonderful that people spend lots and lots of time on these teeny tweaks that make their websites more beautiful and navigable.

Lately, I’m really loving and feeling proud of my coaching services. I got so excited this week when a friend of mine who I thought was pretty cynical about the whole “life coaching” thing contacted me for some coaching around a tough decision she’s been pondering. I did a happy dance.

I feel like I’ve hit the jackpot in terms of reading lately. I finally picked up Tara Brach‘s Radical Acceptance from the library, which is a book I’ve been wanting to read for probably two years. It’s so great, and it’s really answering a lot of questions for me about the connections between mindfulness in everyday life and how that translates into meditation and philosophical ponderings. I’ve also been enjoying her audio meditations, some of which are free on her website. (Though, to be honest, the one I did the other night relaxed me so much I nearly fell asleep.)

. . .

This gentleman (who’s nine in this video) should have gone on tour with Madonna. I mean, wow.

Writing tips from 22 authors is wonnnderful. Thank you to Ty for sharing it.

Havi is doing this Sneak Snack Preview of her upcoming Shiva Nata training on June 30th. I signed up for the call the moment she announced it, and it promises to be splendifferous even if you’ve never done Shiva Nata before and just want to know what the heck is up with it. Oh, and it’s free. And if you can’t make it, sign up anyway, and you’ll get the recording afterward.

Shoestrings Attached: A critique of the TOMS business model.

. . .

And now, dears, I want to know: what’s happening for you this week?

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feelings are our internal community activists

Written on June 13, 2011 by in on feeling our feelings

After putting hats on our feelings (if they’ll hold still long enough) and being all badass by feeling them in the moment (when we can), we can take some action. If we want to, that is.

I’m of the opinion that feelings exist for many reasons, one of which is to act as our internal community activists. They can stand up for us. They can help us to become more empowered. They can help us learn to fight for our own rights, on our own behalf, and improve our lives.

Anyone who’s done community organizing knows it’s all about action. We begin by standing up for ourselves in small ways. We start to make favorable changes happen in our world. We then feel more empowered to face bigger obstacles and effect changes that are more critical to our livelihoods.

If we’re living in a community with lack of access to transportation or fresh foods, we might be used to it. We might not think anything of it. But we also might feel emotions. Like anger. Or frustration.

Anger says: “Who does the city council think it is, denying us the transportation we need to get to work?”

Hot bubbles surging from our chest into our throat.

And then anger says: “I’m not gonna stand for this. I’m gonna take action.”

And we do. We form a plan. We speak up. We voice our needs, and we garner as much inner and outer support as we can.

Afterwards, we evaluate the action. We assess how we feel now. We pause a beat, and then we move forward with the next step of the campaign or of our lives. Even if nothing earth-shattering comes of it, we’ve done something to show ourselves that we’re active participants in deciding the course of our existence.

. . .

It’s not always necessary to have a confrontation or make a big change in response to a feeling. Often, feeling the feeling is enough, or even preferable. We’re able to give ourselves what we need without taking a large action. But sometimes, action makes us stronger, helps us dive deeper into our truest self. And at those times, being in touch with the root of our feeling makes it easier for us to take the most appropriate action to meet our need.

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friday fizz, the seventh

Written on June 10, 2011 by in uncategorized

This week, it almost hit 100 degrees here in New York. So you’ll have to excuse me if I seem . . . melty. ‘Cause I’m feeling pretty melty.

. . .

Pop Chart Lab has some wondrously playful designs. And they’re Brooklyn-grown, in case you were wondering.

I just discovered Lori-Ann‘s shop, and it’s just sublime. Those bear pillows!

Have you encountered Rhiannon Laurie? She’s stupendous, as is her pretty new website. She talks about making friends with your monsters, and flailing, and giving yourself time, and it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.

I recently found Sui, and it was love at first…tweet? She’s an amazing photographer, and her writing’s stupendous, too. I see lots of overlaps in our work, which is so exciting. Her last post hit me hard. Grab a box of tissues before you read it.

“Mommy, I Want to Be White.” talks about the way Black girls and women internalize racism, and includes a preview of the upcoming documentary Dark Girls. Hang onto that tissue box.

Biebershop Quartet. Oh wow.

You’re an Oxymoron. As always, J. Maureen has a point to make, and she makes it really well.

. . .

And with that, I wish you a happy weekend. Anybody else celebrating Pride tomorrow? I’ll be wearing rainbows at the Brooklyn parade.

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a feminist photographer’s stance on photoshop

Written on June 6, 2011 by in on liking yourself, on photography

I’ve hemmed and hawed about whether editing photos is something I should do. Not color correcting and cropping; those are things I do with lots of my photos, and without a second thought. What I’ve wondered is whether I should be erasing people’s blemishes, smoothing forehead lines, lightening shadows beneath their eyes.

The reason I think about this at all is because my mission as a photographer is self esteem. Your self image. It’s important to me, first, that your photo experience makes you feel great about yourself, and second, that the finished product is wonderful. (Which isn’t to say that the loveliness of the final outcome doesn’t matter to me. It does, just not as much as your personhood.)

I’m learning that this isn’t the way all photographers operate. I once had a client tell me that her last photographer told her she was “unphotogenic”. Can you imagine having someone who’s there to take your photo (an intimate, vulnerable situation in the first place) tell you, in essence, that you’re not beautiful on film? By the end of that photo session, she said, she was very nearly in tears.

My mission, both as a photographer and a coach, is to show people their beauty and help them share it with the world. And so when it comes to photo editing, I wonder: should I smooth lines and cover blemishes? I’m outraged by the out-of-control photoshopping seen in women’s magazines and (let’s just admit it) everywhere else. Does smoothing a client’s undereye shadows make me a part of the money-hungry machine that tells women (and men) that they’re no good as they are, and that they need to be smoothed and tugged and tightened to look beautiful?

I think about this. A lot. Almost every time I edit photos, in fact. And I’ve come to some tenuous conclusions:

I don’t smooth lines or erase freckles unless someone explicitly asks me to. The first proofs I send to clients are them, in all their beautiful, imperfect glory. To me, imperfection is what makes our beauty, not what detracts from it. And I’m in love with wrinkles. I could write odes to them, and maybe I will, someday. But I know not everyone feels that way, and for many complicated, deeply personal reasons.

I don’t tell people what to do with their bodies. I believe in people making their own choices, and coming to their own conclusions. What’s right for me and my body isn’t the same as what’s right for you and your body, and vice versa. And I feel like photos are a bit like an extension of our selves, because they’re so very personal. So as much as possible, I give my portrait clients power over the way their bodies are depicted through my lens.

I don’t share clients’ photos on my website without their permission, because I know that having your photograph taken can make you feel very, very vulnerable. While I’m the artist depicting you, meaning that the work is my own, I want to honor you and your agency (your ability to act as well as to be viewed) as a person and a portrait subject. I want you to be able to be you when we’re having a photo session, and that’s more likely to happen if you know you’ll have first say in where these photos get seen.

. . .

Those things said, if someone wants her or his photos edited slightly, I do that. For now. Someday, maybe it’ll be something I decide against. But because I know how much more I like a photo of myself when it doesn’t feature a zit I may have had when it was taken, I understand how those teeny weeny tweaks can help you to feel at ease with yourself.

And more than anything, I want you to feel supremely at ease with yourself.

. . .

That photo up there? Yup, that’s me. Unedited. Super-duper photo snapping skills courtesy of Mary.

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friday fizz, the sixth

Written on June 3, 2011 by in uncategorized

Have you ever been to Provincetown, Massachusetts? I hadn’t. Until last weekend, when Mary and I got the glorious treat of a vacation with some dear friends. Provincetown was, basically, a town full of lesbians and adorable puppies, and it smelled deliciously of the sea. All photographs in this post are, therefore, brought to you by the gorgeousness of Cape Cod.

At first, I wasn’t sure whether these designers were for real or not. But either way, I like it.

Clothes Are not for Hiding Flaws, a great article by Karen Walrond.

HIV was first discovered thirty years ago this week. This article talks about the only person to ever be cured of AIDS, and stresses the critical importance of dedicating resources to preventing the spread of the virus instead of focusing on a costly, dangerous cure.

This New York Times piece also acknowledges the 30th year of AIDS, and is juxtaposed with the first article the Times ever published on the virus, before it even had a name.

I’m feeling inspired by Institute of Play‘s values.

A video on advertising’s image of women.

Victoria is hosting a free teleclass on June 14th, all about the Six Essential Steps to Finding Your Thing. She’s superb, so I have no doubt the teleclass will be, too.

Awesome People Hanging Out Together is, well, awesome.

. . .

And with that, I leave you. Wishing you a terrific weekend, and maybe even some sand on your nose.

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