effervescence

comparison’s a thing. but it doesn’t have to get you down.

Written on June 13, 2013 by Kylie in on liking yourself

the comparison cure

There is one issue that comes up nearly 100% of the time when I’m working with clients around self-esteem and self-acceptance.

That issue? Comparison.

We human beings are astonishingly adept at comparing ourselves to others. Give us any topic, at all, and we can find a way to make it into a metric against which to measure ourselves and others.

This phenomenon might be entertaining, if it weren’t so darn maddening, self-defeating, and depressing.

One of the many results of our insatiable drive to compare is that we can get sucked into what other people are doing and forget to live our own lives. Or even worse, use the accomplishments of others as a reason to never, ever do any of the things we want to do.

So even though comparison is a useful skill to have (objectively), we use it against ourselves in really hurtful ways.

Because of all this, I made The Comparison Cure.

It’s a comprehensive, gentle ebook that will help you get familiar with your own particular comparison tendencies, and then gently detach from them so you can live your life (finally, thank the heavens, hallelujah).

It’ll also teach you how to use your comparison patterns to actually make your life better, funner (not a word but I don’t care), and more sparkly.

Really. Truly.

The Comparison Cure is available now, and it’s $15. If comparison is something you struggle with, I highly recommend it. And if you know someone else who’s needing this, please pass it along to them, or gift them with it.

Life is way too short, and way too sweet, to spend any more of it mired in comparison’s sticky grasp.

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bravery

Written on June 11, 2013 by Kylie in on adventure, on feeling our feelings

bravery

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Fear. Is not. A choice.

Written on June 6, 2013 by Kylie in on being highly sensitive, on feeling our feelings

After Earth

photo via indiewire, with my modifications

“Danger is real. Fear is a choice.”

So says the movie poster I walk by each day, when I step off the train at my stop.

Each day, in reaction to that poster, I start an indignant dialogue in my head.

About how fear isn’t optional. And about how harmful it is that our culture believes it is. About how it doesn’t help any of us to believe that we can easily turn fear off with some internal light switch.

Because it’s much more complicated than that, and it obscures a far more helpful belief:

We can’t control fear. But we can control how we react to it.

Unfortunately, I reckon these two sentences, while far more helpful, compassionate, and realistic, would make a less compelling movie poster.

And that’s the problem. It’s difficult to learn more skillful ways of meeting fear when most people tell you, “don’t be afraid,” and think that will make your fear go away.

It it were that easy to get rid of your fear, you’d have already done it.

It harms each of us individually when the dominant cultural belief is that fear is a choice.

Because then, each time we experience fear, we’ll think it means we’re defective and lacking in emotional control. As a result, we don’t talk about our fear, and no one else ever knows that we’re each walking around with the same secrets that cannot be spoken. I don’t know about you, but what I’m describing isn’t a world in which I want to live.

So let’s go somewhere else. Let’s shift to a more realistic, gentle world where we know we can’t control fear, but we can control how we react to it.

What does this world look like?

This is a world where, through allowing ourselves to experience challenging emotions, we empower ourselves.

It’s a world where we have tools to ground ourselves when we’re having strong physiological responses to stimuli.

It’s a world where we’re not hating ourselves because we’re unable to “master” our emotions.

It’s a world where we know that feeling afraid isn’t the end of the world. Because of that, we’re able to take actions that bring us closer to our goals, even when they feel scary.

It’s a world where many more people are able to be brave, because bravery does not necessitate the absence of fear.

It’s a world where you’re able to try anything you want to, because you don’t have to become fearless before you leap.

It’s a world where we know we can sit with our emotions instead of destroying ourselves trying to escape them.

Does this sound like the kind of world you want to live in, too?

Good. Me, too.

Let’s create such a world. Together.

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a hula-hooping romp with mara glatzel

Written on May 30, 2013 by Kylie in on photography

mara glatzel

Say what you will about its ills, but the internet has been a vehicle for some of the most miraculous experiences of my life.

Mara Glatzel

Who would have thought, for instance, that I’d find myself photographing Mara Glatzel, hula hooping aficionado and maker of self-love magic, in Prospect Park a few weeks ago?

Mara Glatzel

I certainly wouldn’t have thunk it.

I mean, I’ve been reading Mara’s body image writing (at her blog, formerly called Medicinal Marzipan) for years. Years!

Mara Glatzel

And through the magic of the internet, we found each other, and I got to take some new photographs for her lovely website, and spend some quality time frolicking in the dappled light of the park.

Mara Glatzel

Mara is a delightful human. I knew this from her writing, but it comes through even more in person.

She enjoys coffee, relishes stripes, and is fabulously direct, honest, and open.

Mara Glatzel

She has wonderful stories. She does otherworldly things with her sparkly, sparkly hula hoop.

Mara Glatzel

I feel very lucky to have had the chance to photograph her. And grateful to the internet, for making it all possible.

Mara Glatzel

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thriving through summer as a highly sensitive person

Written on May 23, 2013 by Kylie in on being highly sensitive, on self-care

thriving through summer as a highly sensitive person

Here in the Northern Hemisphere, summer begins on June 21st.

But it’s already feeling plenty summery here in New York, and right now is a perfect time to start getting ready for what summer will bring. This is especially true if you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), like me.

Summer has never been my fave. (Anyone who’s spent a summer with me knows that’s the understatement of the year.) Some summers have been downright terrible for me. I get into a funk, and then I keep going, deeper and deeper.

Luckily, I now at least have the awareness that summer isn’t always a walk in the park. And because I have that awareness, I’m able to do whatever I can to prepare for it and preemptively attend to my own needs.

Here’s my list, in no particular order, of things you can do to thrive through the summer, instead of just surviving it, even if you’re a highly-sensitive summer-disliker like me.

Own it. You don’t like summer, and that’s okay. You’re allowed to dislike seasons that other people love. You’re entitled to your preferences. You have your reasons (even if you don’t know what they are). You don’t have to tell everyone that you don’t like the summer if you don’t want to, but know that how you feel is allowed.

Use air conditioning if it helps. I spent one NYC summer without air conditioning. My reasoning was that air conditioning is bad for the environment. You know what’s also bad? Me being in complete and total agony for four months, and unable to sleep, due to the heat. After that summer, I decided that my comfort and happiness are more important than my carbon footprint. Air conditioning has kept me from melting every summer since.

Be thoughtful about how you prepare for the beach. Not everyone likes to (or can) spend an entire day at the beach. For some of us, a full day on the sand results in burns, heat stroke, and dehydration. Keep in mind that you’re allowed to go to the beach for a shorter period of time, or skip beach trips altogether. And if you do go to the beach, sitting under an umbrella and reading is absolutely an option. After a beach trip, you might want to make sure that you have a chance to shower (sand and sea water can be especially irritating to HSPs). And that you make sure to get plenty of water and sleep the day after a sun-fest.

You don’t have to wear shorts. I don’t know a whole lotta people who actually like wearing shorts. They don’t always stay put, and they can result in thigh chafing and all sorts of other not-fun things. You’re allowed to opt out of shorts altogether (I usually do, unless they go almost to my knee, which generally eliminates chafing problems). Skirts can be lovely in the summer. As can skirts with biking shorts underneath (to minimize chafing), runners’ anti-chafing stick, or powder gel.

Dress to make your body and soul as happy as it can be. During my teen years, I suffered through wearing shorts, spaghetti strap tank tops, and bikinis each summer, because I didn’t realize I had other options. But those clothing items restricted my movement, made me feel overly exposed, and just weren’t me. In the many years since then, I’ve realized how many options I have. My usual summer outfit now consists of a skirt or cutoff leggings with flowy tank tops. At the beach, I wear a simple one-piece swimsuit, which stays put and allows me to get just as crazy with my swimming as I want. (Also, this exists! I’ve heard rave reviews of its comfort, too.)

Protect yourself from bites. Ugh. This is probably one of the biggest ones for me, because mosquitoes love me. Especially if you live somewhere that gets humid in the summer, get yourself some mosquito repellent, and use it. (You can also try making your own. I never have, but I’ll try it this summer and report back on how it goes.)

Keep cool at night for easier sleep. It can be so hard to sleep when it’s hot out. That’s because the best air temperature for sleep is about 60 to 68 degrees. If you aren’t blessed with air conditioning, you can point a fan at yourself, run your wrists under cold water before bed, sleep with cold packs near your feet, or wear damp socks that you’ve stuck in the freezer for a few minutes (I know it’s weird, but it’s also effective in a pinch).

Take advantage of some of the opportunities summer offers. Not all of us want to spend every summer evening at an outdoor festival, a craft fair, or a sporting event. It can be too much noise, too many people, and just too much sweat. But do try to challenge yourself to find some activities that are more your speed that you couldn’t do during other seasons. If you’re an introvert, you might like to take a blanket to the park and read under a shady tree. Perhaps a small, outdoor dinner party could be fun. Or maybe you’d enjoy meeting a friend for frozen yogurt and a walk. You don’t have to be socializing outdoors all summer, but seeking to enjoy just a few of the season’s perks might do you some good.

Above all else, try to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to dislike the stuff you dislike. The way you feel is legitimate.

(And if you need somebody to gripe about the humidity with, well, you know where to find me.)

. . .

Comments: I’d LOVE to hear the ways you make summer easier for yourself. Share any and all tips you have! Let’s create a circle of support here.

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i want you to be scared (but only a little bit)

Written on May 16, 2013 by Kylie in on adventure, on mindfulness and meditation

Scared

Quite often, folks who are thinking about trying A Day of Nothing, or getting ready for one, share with me that they’re feeling scared about it.

My response is always to tell them that’s understandable.

I feel scared when I think about emptying out a whole day and just being with myself.

I think most people do.

It’s good to feel a little scared.

Another part of my response, which I think often surprises them, is to say that I’m glad they feel scared. It’s good to feel a little scared about taking a Day of Nothing.

If you’re feeling scared about it, that most likely means that you really, really need it.

Invariably, the people who have their worlds rocked most by their Days of Nothing are the people who initially have strong reactions to the concept of the Day. Either they fall happily into it, as they would a warm, cushy bed, or they wrinkle their nose at it, wondering why on Earth anyone would ever ever ever want to do such a thing to themselves.

It might be exactly what you need.

So when somebody remarks that they’re scared to do the Day, I get excited. It usually means their world is about to change, because they’re going to stretch themselves, big time.

This goes beyond A Day of Nothing, of course. Just for the sake of example, yoga and meditation are two practices that people often have strong reactions to. A lot of people don’t ever think they’ll be a “yoga person.” Or they can’t imagine sitting still and observing their breath for two minutes, let alone twenty.

I know many, many people who only tried yoga or meditation because they had tried everything else to soothe their ills, and they were at their wit’s end. And then one (or both) of those practices ended up changing their lives, because it was exactly what they needed.

This applies just as much to anything else as it does to yoga, meditation, or doing nothing. We do what’s easy, and what we’re used to, specifically because it’s easy and we’re used to it.

But the thing we often need most, in order to bring more balance into our bodies, brains, and lives, is the thing we don’t want to do. The thing that’s a little scary or makes us want to wrinkle our nose.

A subconscious pull, in your belly.

I hope it goes without saying that I’d never tell you to force yourself to do something you don’t want to do. I don’t want you doing things that feel outright wrong, deep in your belly. (You know that, right? I’m certain you do.)

But there’s a difference between something that feels very wrong deep down, and something that you resist but that you feel a subconscious pull toward.

That’s what I’m talking about. That feeling of something being ostensibly unappealing, but knowing it’s what you need, no matter how much your conscious mind fights against it.

So maybe you’re a liiiitle bit scared to do a Day of Nothing, to try yoga, to meditate, to go for a hike, whatever.

Just know this: that thing you’re teetering on the edge of trying might be the doorway into a whole new way of experiencing your world.

. . .

★ P.S. One last reminder: the incredible Multi-Passionate Must-Haves sale ($1,379 worth of products, including The Comparison Cure, for $97) ends tonight at midnight PST. Get the goods here! ★

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27 sparkly, inspiring products for $97. seriously.

Written on May 14, 2013 by Kylie in uncategorized

I’m excited.

If you’re on my Self-Love Letters list, you already know why. (If not, read on, fair friend!)

My brand new baby product, The Comparison Cure, is part of an incredible 72-hour sale, Multi-Passionate Must-Haves, which begins today. This is the first time I’ve ever been part of something like this, and I’m feeling pretty delighted to share it (at a price that’s something like 95% off what this inspiring stuff would normally cost).

So here’s the deal: 27 courses, audios and ebooks – worth $1,379(!) – that will help you live your dreams with bravery and compassion, are available for $97 ‘til Thursday at midnight. That includes my brand-new product, The Comparison Cure, along with all these:

BYOB Build Your Online Business Guide by Natalie Sisson ($37)
Pitch Perfect™ Pack by Dyana Valentine ($57)
The Creative Ignition Kit by Melissa Dinwiddie ($37)
Renaissance Business by Emilie Wapnick ($49)
Productivity for Multipotentialites by Michelle Nickolaisen and Emilie Wapnick ($67)
Operation: Creative Career Cheer by Michelle Ward ($37)
Social Media Rehab by Tiffany Han ($59)
Reclaim Your Dreams by Jonathan Mead ($47)
Life is Messy Planners by Mayi Carles ($40)
Creating Your Own Mastermind Group by Jen Louden ($100)
The Declaration of You by Jessica Swift and Michelle Ward ($57)
The Comparison Cure by Kylie Bellard ($15)
Ethical Selling that Works by Pamela Slim ($97)
Help, I Need More Time! by Bev Webb ($46)
How to Describe the Indescribable by Alexandra Franzen ($17)
The Art of Earning + The Art of Growth by Tara Gentile ($40)
Spin Your Story by Amanda Oaks ($10)
The Joy Equation by Molly Mahar ($147)
52 Weeks to Awesome by Pace & Kyeli ($52)
The Right Brain Product Development Playground by Jennifer Lee ($97)
How to Take a Career Break to Travel by Alexis Grant ($29)
Small Army Strategy by Srinivas Rao ($2.99)
The Kick Burnout Kit by Michelle Nickolaisen ($17)
The Yearly/Weekly Planner Bundle by Michelle Nickolaisen ($23)
The Courageous Living Program by Kate Swoboda ($125)
The Momentum Kickstart Kit by Charlie Gilkey ($47)
Guerrilla Influence Formula by Tyler Tervooren ($49)

Another very exciting part of this? $10 from each sale is going to Michelle Ward’s team for the Avon 2-Day Breast Cancer Walk in NY. Michelle was diagnosed with breast cancer in November 2011 and declared cancer-free in June 2012. Celebrating with donations is one of the very best ways to celebrate, yes? Yes.

(Just so you know, clicking the links here sends some affiliate dollars my way. I don’t usually do the whole affiliate thing, and I wouldn’t be involved in this if I didn’t fully, totally, 100% believe in it. Many of the products and practitioners here are the very ones that got me on the path I’m on right now. They quite literally changed the entire course of my life.)

The Multi-Passionate Must-Haves sale will go poof at midnight Thursday, so get your paws on it now. Soooo much inspiration, learning, and support awaits!

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itty bitty adventures: a casting call

Written on May 9, 2013 by Kylie in on adventure

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

photo via Interview, with my modifications

It’s time for an Itty Bitty Adventure! Yay hooray!

The Itty Bitty Adventure Club is this thing where I talk about teeny tiny adventures I take. You can read more about it here. I’d love for you to share your adventures, too, either in the comments or on your own blog. If you do so on your blog, post the link in the comments, and I’ll add ya’ to the post so we can all share the adventurey joy.

. . .

The itty bitty adventure in question:

If you follow me on Twitter, or have spoken with me in the past three months, you know that I’m unreasonably enthusiastic about Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, the Seattle-based hip hop duo that’s currently making history on the Billboard charts. They’re from Seattle (like me, you guys! Like me!). They like the gays. They talk about addiction recovery. They’re incredibly smart entrepreneurs who inspire me endlessly.

And their music?

Oh, their music. It’s gotten me excited about hip hop again. It’s gotten me excited about music again. I can say with total certainty that their full-length album, The Heist, is now my favorite album ever. Ever.

So when I saw on Macklemore’s Twitter feed that they were going to be in NYC and were having some sort of casting call for extras for a mysterious video shoot, I couldn’t not apply. Even though a casting call would usually be one of the last things I’d ever want to do. Even though it sounded scary. Even though it felt silly.

The monsters that showed up when I decided on my adventure:

Monster #1: “This is scary. I don’t wanna I don’t wanna I don’t wanna.”

My response: I know it’s scary. You’re so right. It is! And it’s totally allowed to be scared, especially about something like this, that’s so far outside our comfort zone. The great thing is that we can allow ourselves to be scared and still move forward, with care and compassion. Being scared doesn’t automatically mean we don’t do something. It means we build in extra safety for ourselves, because this is something we want to do.

Monster #2: “Kylie, you are not cool. This is something that requires coolness, and you’re all about not being cool. Genuine? Yes. Kind? Yes. But not cool.”

My response: Oh, honey. It sounds like some outsider syndrome is really kicking in right now. You’re wanting to feel like you’re part of a community that appreciates good music, having fun, social justice, and being kind. And you’re really afraid of somebody telling you, flat out, that you don’t belong. You’re especially scared specifically for the reason that this music is meaningful to you. That makes so much sense, and is so very human.

It’s true that if coolness is about being mean or not caring, then it’s not your thing. But who says that’s what coolness is about? Maybe coolness is about being progressive, inclusive, and brave. It’s totally possibly that coolness has those qualities within it. And if that’s the case, you’re so cool. And you belong. That’s the biggest thing here. You want to know you belong. And you do. You belong within yourself and within your carefully-cultivated community.

How it all went down:

I got home from a long day and, even though I was tired, had Mary take photos of me for the email I needed to send the casting agency. I felt silly doing so. I felt like an imposter. But I also felt the heady zing of taking brazen action.

I lovingly crafted an enthusiastic email with all the information the casting agency needed, and I attached the photos, and I sent it out into the world. And then I waited.

About 24 hours later, I got an email back:

“IF YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED A CONFIRMATION YET,

Due to a huge response

WE are completely full!!”

My heart fluttered a little. I breathed a big sigh of relief. I had tried, and I was enormously proud of myself for that. Last week was, apparently, not my time to be in a music video. But it was my time to be brave, and take chances, and care about something without knowing whether I’d receive anything in return. It was my time to open my heart.

The side effects:

I’m now feeling satisfaction and relief that I did this. Sending off this little email, which for some people would be an insignificant thing, was meaningful for me. It was, as I said, a true exercise in openheartedness.

That’s an openheartedness that I keep with me as I listen to Can’t Hold Us and Otherside while I’m riding on the subway, and as I’m sharing this tender thing with you, right now.

. . .

Mischief managed!

Do you have any itty bitty adventuring to report? If so, please do share in the comments or on your own blog. If not, grab a badge in the sidebar to the left, then join us next time!

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you don’t have to explain.

Written on May 2, 2013 by Kylie in on liking yourself

Explain

You don’t need to have a reason.

You don’t have to tell anyone why.

If somebody else thinks you need to give them an explanation, that’s their stuff.

You choosing whether to proffer it? Your stuff. Your business.

It’s your choice, whether you explain or whether you don’t. Neither is right.

Just know that you don’t have to tell anybody anything.

Not if you don’t want to.

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why it’s not selfish to make art . . . that’s just for yourself.

Written on April 25, 2013 by Kylie in on self-care

Maryann

Kylie’s note: Today I am delighted to bring you a guest post from my wonderful friend Maryann Devine. Maryann has taught me so much about how to play and how to be gentle with myself. And now she’s teaching me how to care for myself by being creative. This post is pure, sparkly gold. I hope you love it as much as I did.

. . .

One of the many things that I adore about Kylie’s blog is how she talks about self-care:

“The better you’re able to take care of yourself, the better you can live your life. And the better you live your life, the more you contribute to the world.”

Amen.

Self-care is essential.

Decidedly not selfish.

There are all sorts of ways we can take care of ourselves, from seemingly tiny acts like taking our vitamins to bigger commitments like scheduling a massage.

And yet, making art — art that’s just for you — doesn’t often make the self-care check list.

Even though it feeds you.

Even though it lightens your mood.

Even though it is supremely happy-making.

When you’re radiating joy, the world’s a better place for everyone, right?

Art?

Before I go on, maybe I should explain what I mean by art.

I mean your own creative expression, no matter what shape it takes.

Sure, art might mean playing around with paints. But it could just as easily mean quietly assembling words into a poem. Or dreaming up a contraption that makes cotton candy *and* generates clean energy (win-win!).

The point is, you’re making something for your pleasure alone. You can decide later whether you want to share it with your best friend, or the world.

It’s art with no agenda.

Even when we do allow ourselves to make art, it’s often with a particular end in mind — something that’s profitable, or serves people, or is capital-M Meaningful.

Art-making for its own sake is one of the flow activities famously identified by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.

And according to Csikszentmihalyi, flow is the key to living a satisfying life.

Who couldn’t use a richer, more satisfying life, I ask you?

And as if that weren’t enough, the art you make for you and you alone?

It’s the *best* art.

It’s the art that gets people excited (assuming that you eventually share it — you don’t have to!)

I should know.

After a lifetime of living as an artist, I gave it up. For thirteen years!

When I did get the urge to make things once more, I couldn’t just do it for the pure joy of it.

It had to be in service of productivity, or getting the creative juices going for my business.

But that wasn’t enough.

I needed to make things just for me.

And, ironically, people are describing these “selfish” pieces with words like “mesmerizing” and “powerful.” Even better, these little pieces are inspiring others to wonder, “What could I be making right now?”

How do you get started?

1. Make it easy by getting ready.

The thing about making art of any kind is: unlike watching TV or wandering around online, it usually involves some kind of preparation.

Does this sound familiar?

You’re tired, you’ve been working all day, and when you think of getting back into painting or whatever — you’re (understandably) overwhelmed with the idea of setting it all up.

Your art supplies are in the closet — maybe.

And what are you going to paint on? Do you have a blank canvas stashed somewhere? Or maybe a block of watercolor paper?

Even if know the exact location of all your tools, where are you going to set up? You’ve got to clear a space. Maybe today’s not the day . . .

In The Happiness Advantage, author and happiness expert (shouldn’t we all be happiness experts?) Shawn Achor describes how moving his guitar from the closet to a stand in his living room helped him do what he so much wanted to do: practice on a daily basis.

So how can you make it easier for Future You to make your version of art?

2. Make it easy by improvising.

Do you really need everything you think you need, in order to make art?

If you’re a writer, you might not necessarily need a tidy desk and all your notes in order. You might find that all you need is a pen and a cocktail napkin.

When I started making art again, I had a mental block about getting proper supplies. To get around that, I pulled out stacks of blank index cards, old nail polish that I never wore, dry-erase markers — whatever I happened to have on hand.

What’s the bare minimum you need to make the art that calls to you?

3. Make it easy by finding support.

When I took part in Kylie’s first Day of Nothing, art-making — just for me — was absolutely on the menu.

If you’re having a hard time putting aside time for your art, having a day inked on your calendar can make a difference. Expert support before, during, and after can make a difference. Knowing that you’re not alone can make a difference.

So . . .

What’s one tiny step you could take toward making art, just for you? What would you make if no one was watching?

. . .

A former marketing + publicity strategist (turned writer + creativity teacher), Maryann Devine is intimately acquainted with the struggles + joys of the creative life.

And after hitting ‘pause’ for 13 years, Maryann is making art again — for nobody, for everybody, and for you.

Click here to see her latest creation. Or here to get a secret message. Or here for a surprise.

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